Life in the forties

“All three are hip-deep in midlife, when the eyes go and the waistline spreads and the city on the hill that shone so brightly in youth turns out to be more like a semi-incorporated town in the middle of a garbage strike. An age when a person can feel not so much himself as an inexplicably inferior version of himself.”

I sometimes get startled that I’m firmly in my mid forties now, a fact that is both humbling and mind numbing at the same time. I’m no longer young and I am not exactly a senior yet which puts me in the middle of nowhere zone.

My student years in the nineties seem so far away already and the green horn years of the new millennium have also started to recede into my personal history. There was a time when the nineties were considered the new age – people from my generation can relate to phrases like “star of the nineties” or the “beckoning of the 21st century”. Well, all that already has a layer of the sands of time over it.

Forties are infamous for the proverbial “midlife crisis” – a sobering decline into reality from the heady optimism of youth. On the positive side, I find that I can understand and weigh things a lot better – probably my thinking tempered by real life experiences. And yet, I’m fully aware that the older you grow, the more things you have to leave behind, its a circle of life.

I’ve been chained to a cubicle for over 20 years now. Well, its no longer even a cubicle.That has been replaced by what is commonly referred to as open plan seating. The MBAs have created a fancy term for this called “high performance workspaces” – something which fosters teamwork and collaboration. This deserves a post in itself so I would limit my rants on it for the time being.

Like many people of my generation in India, I was part of the herd – having to chose between Engineering and Medical. Anything outside of these was considered risky and frivolous. I always loved the sciences but also enjoyed the languages and particularly history.

Anyhow I underwent the raging fires of competitive examinations in India and got a bachelors in Electrical Engineering. This was followed by the typical foray into the burgeoning IT industry where the jobs were. Today there’s a lot of emphasis on loving what you do or choosing a career where you have “passion’.

I always looked at my job as something that gave me enough resources to enjoy the good things in life and I’m grateful for that. Though I don’t really spend my free time thinking about work or all the related political circus one has to perform to survive. I spend most of my time outside work reading and writing.

At this stage of my life, the responsibilities are also at their peak. Like everyone else we are resigned to the mortgage, children’s education and other myriad responsibilities. No one told us of all these things when we were young and thought adults were the ones bossing around kids and having the most fun!

Years ago I watched a movie “About Schmidt” where Jack Nicholson plays the protagonist. He’s old and about to retire having spent most of his working life in an insurance company in Omaha, Nebraska. Its a favorite of mine with several heartbreaking scenes blended with dark humor.

Incidentally, I too spent a couple of years in Omaha but that is besides the point. There was one quote in the movie which went – “I know we’re all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?”

It seems scary that I was supposed to feel like this nearing my retirement but I’m already having these thoughts in my forties!. The desire to break the mould and do something I love like writing is strong and hence this blog as a minuscule attempt towards breaking the general monotony of daily life.

I know these feelings are universal and unrelated to where you live or what you do though responses and solutions out of this rut of midlife can be different and creative. Obviously there are no quick fixes as anything worthwhile needs hard work and time to grow. It’s foolhardy and suicidal to just start afresh without any planning or direction.

I would love to hear thoughts from anyone reading this on how to make life more meaningful and worth living while trying to balance everything else life has thrown at you by this age.




Cricket – The National Obsession

Cricket is a most precarious profession; it is called a team game but, in fact, no one is so lonely as a batsman facing a bowler supported by ten fieldsmen and observed by two umpires to ensure that his error does not go unpunished”     

India is cricket crazy and justifiably so. Nothing unites us like this sport – from youngsters to middle aged professionals to senior citizens, everyone seems to have a strong opinion on the national team’s performance.

My earliest memories of watching the game go way back to 1984 to the test match against England when a young lanky Azhar made his test debut. He scored a century and followed it up with two more successive hundreds in the next two tests, a record that still stands.

I do not remember the India’s improbable triumph at the 83 Prudential World Cup as I started following cricket a year or so after that. The early eighties were a different world with TV still a few years away. Radio commentary would be how most fans followed the game in those years.

The game itself was nothing like the modern version it has evolved into. It was played in all whites including the one dayers which had already become hugely popular. The pace was lethargic compared to today and there used to be a ‘rest day’ in test matches.

The cricketers were revered even in those days and in the absence of a 24×7 media and internet the appeal was probably even more. There was no big money involved though I guess test cricketers in India were well paid and were often sponsored by the big public sector firms where they also held honorary positions.

The first few matches I saw on TV were from the 1985 Benson& Hedges world championship of cricket in Australia. It was also the first time when the teams played in colored clothing and with a white ball. The channel 9 coverage was outstanding and backed by a legendary commentary team of Richie Benaud, Bill Lawry and others it made the viewing riveting.

From then on I would wait eagerly for the games which were played in Australia though the time zone difference meant that you had to get up very early in the morning to catch the games but it was well worth it. I have nostalgic memories of watching cricket early in winter mornings wrapped in a warm blanket!

The big names of that era – Gavaskar, Kapil, Amarnath, Botham, Hadlee, Imran, Viv Richards were all house hold names and larger than life figures. I remember watching the test match where Gavaskar completed 10,000 test runs. It was the cricket equivalent of being the first man on the Everest.

By the time the 1987 Reliance World Cup came around, TV coverage had picked up in India and the expectations were huge as the tournament was being held in the subcontinent. India advanced expectedly in the opening games and there were a few stand out moments – Chetan Sharma took the first hat trick in a World Cup and Gavaskar scored his only ODI century – a totally uncharacteristic  fast paced innings against the Kiwis at Nagpur. The build up to the semi final was charged but then it was a heart breaking moment for all of us when Mike Gatting caught Kapil in the deep dashing India’s hopes.

Sharjah with its high voltage India Pakistan games created a fervor of its own. Two matches stand out during that era – the infamous last ball six which remained in the national psyche for years and the other more pleasant memory of bundling Pak out for 82 when they were chasing a paltry 125 to win!

Of course later the games were one sided and ultimately abandoned as suspicions of match fixing grew. The 90s were a miserable time to be a cricket fan in India. It was mostly Sachin Vs the opposition and it continued on till the Ganguly,Dravid,Laxman and later Sehwag came on to the scene.

The early 2000s were a time of transition and the 2001 historic win at the Eden Gardens against the all conquering Aussies finally reversed the tide in India’s favor. Though World Cup still proved elusive, India almost made it in 2003 before it all unravelled in the finals against Australia.

The advent of IPL in 2008 has completely turned around the way the game is watched today, its become a money spinning American sport like NBA or NFL. Though personally I find IPL too repetitive. There are just too many matches and its difficult to keep track of which players are on which team as they keep moving around each year.

I still enjoy the India games more, the emotions invested with the national team are a lot more. It was finally in 2011 that we won the World Cup again after a long wait of 28 years. The final was nerve wracking specially after both Sachin and Sehwag fell cheaply. However Gautam Gambhir followed by MS Dhoni carried the day leading the team to a memorable win.

The first time I watched a match live at the ground was a test match against Australia in Bangalore in 2004-05. I was giddy with excitement as I entered the ground and took my seat. It was nothing like you watch on TV, the entire experience felt surreal. Mcgrath came charging in and bowled and the ball went like a bullet. And I thought he was only medium pace, I remember that Gilchrist was standing way back!

I watched another test match in Bangalore this time against the visiting Pakistan team and it was an amazing experience too. Unfortunately we ended up losing both the games I watched from the ground.

I prefer to watch from the comforts of home listening to what the experts have to opine.The generation I grew up watching in the eighties have all long retired from the game and the stars from my own generation – Sachin, Dravid,Ganguly,Kumble,Sehwag have also retired in the last couple of years.

But that’s the circle of life, the game is bigger than the players and it stays still keeping the fans engrossed. Cricket has given me lots of memories and often certain games remind me of the time and place I was in my own life. In that sense the personal connect still endures.